Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize