My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I booty called her while she was in labor.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
