If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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