I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
