Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
