Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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