I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
