the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Im part way to drunk.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
