the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
