There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
