i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
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