Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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