You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
