I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
