We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
