i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
