you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
