i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
you inspire me to be a worse person
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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