The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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