sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
