and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
