Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
