Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
