This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
