I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
