i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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