I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
