Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
