Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
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