My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I touched a dick in church today
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
