her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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