Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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