it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
