I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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