he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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