No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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