6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
