I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
