I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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