i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
