As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
