You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
