i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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