did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
