The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
