haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize