I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
