I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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