I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
