Dual....:-)
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize