I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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