My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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