My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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