I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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