if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
