I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
