Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
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