No awkward lesbian experiences without me
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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