You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
