Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
