I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
