I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
