i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
