According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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