You smell like a Billy Joel song
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
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