My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Randomize
