we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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