when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
