I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I want to have your abortion
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
