you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
