why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
