how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize