I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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