It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
